“And, when you can’t go back, you have to worry only about the best way of moving forward.” Paulo Coehlo, The Alchemist
Nineteen years ago, my life changed forever. After 40 weeks, 2 days, a not too difficult labor, aided by my doctor and a nurse I will never forget named Jenny, hope and dreams were born in the form of a 10 lb. 3 oz bundle.
We spent many wonderful days together in the early years, bonding in that special way that mothers bond with their first-born. Everything was new for both of us, and I understood a smidge of what the unconditional love of God was all about.
Thinking about my eldest and his birthday makes me enormously proud and happy. But I am also a bit sad, and not for the usual “my kids are getting older, so I must be old, where has the time gone?” kind of reasons.
Because the pain of regret sometimes so tinges my love for my eldest that I can scarcely breathe. So wishing that I had done some things differently, followed my instincts as a mama instead of what others told me I should do. Wishing I had moved our family into stability sooner. Set better boundaries for all of us. Helped make his path straighter and removed some of the obstacles.
Part of me knows that I did the best that I could at the time, but honestly that doesn’t really help. Because I could have done soooooooo much better. I am working on letting go of the guilt, but I have to say the process is much harder than it sounds. But I know that I will get there someday.
In spite of my mistakes, he is an amazing person and I am fortunate that we have a special and close relationship. He has the heart of a philosopher wrapped up in a love of music, words, and people. He loves science and art and having interesting conversations about all kinds of topics. He is fiercely independent and a more than a bit stubborn.
And we LOVE him though he is too far from us and we miss him like crazy.
Happy Birthday, eldest, wonderful, son. The day you came into my life was the most magical of all because you made me a mother. And I am beyond grateful that I was chosen to be your mother.
Today I wish for you so very much. But more than anything I pray that you would find that dream that lies within the soil of your own beautiful heart and embrace it. Follow it. Love yourself and those around you. Hold onto what is good, and learn from the bad. And know without a doubt that you are loved wildly, wholly, and unconditionally.
“This is what we call love. When you are loved, you can do anything in creation. When you are loved, there’s no need at all to understand what’s happening, because everything happens within you.” ~Paulo Coehlo, The Alchemist
Emmie, that’s so beautiful! I can only imagine what it must be like to have a grown up son like you, to look back on so many years of being a mother. I’m sure we will always have some regrets. As I understood from your story you escaped an abusive marriage and found a way to move on with your life and your children. That’s a big step and can’t be easy. Even if you regret a few things you followed your instincts in the end which many people never do. Enjoy this special day! ~ Love, Halina
Thank you, Halina. It is a special day. And we have all come a long, long way!
Emmie,
Rejoicing with you as you celebrate your son’s life. Clearly you have wrapped him with love and grace and he is a better person for it. Bask in your handiwork, mama.
Thank you so much for your kind words. What encouragement!
there is joy interwoven throughout this gentle piece of your heart. thank you for jumping in at Imperfect Prose. nice to meet you.
Thank you for your thoughtful comments. I loved your piece and enjoyed meeting you too. I love imperfect prose and the voices it brings together! And again, I love how you shared your experience with such truthfulness and beauty.
He has the heart of a philosopher wrapped up in a love of music, words, and people. He loves science and art and having interesting conversations about all kinds of topics. He is fiercely independent and a more than a bit stubborn….
as one looking at my two grow older, who had to let go. let go of the guilt and regret. sounds like your son is pretty perfect, which means you didn’t do half as bad as you think you did mama. so glad your wrote this piece
visiting from IP
Thank you so very much for the encouragement! I so appreciate your words. Blessings!
oh friend. this really challenged me regarding how my own eldest son. thank you for your honesty and transparency. i can tell you love your son so much. and love covers over a multitude of sins.
bless you.
Thank you, Emily. I do love him so much. I am glad that it shows in my words. Thanks for imperfect prose and building true community. Blessings!
Emmie,
I’m hopping over here from the Imperfect Prose link up. Thanks for sharing your heart here about raising your eldest. Oh, we can all relate to those feelings of “wish I had done such and such differently” and being so thankful for God making them beautiful despite us. We apologize often at our home.
Have a lovely week,
Jennifer Dougan
http://www.jenniferdougan.com
Thank you Jennifer! I appreciate your comment and am so glad to have met you! I agree with the importance of asking for forgiveness and setting that example of humility. Blessings!
what a lovely tribute to your child. my oldest is turning six this year, and you describe so well the special connection/anxieties one feels so acutely with the first:) one thing i’m learning in my young parenthood, and it sounds from others like yourself that the journey will be life-long, is that it is often much harder to embrace ourselves as parents than it is to wrap our arms around our child. i’m thankful for a gracious God, the elasticity of children as we do the best we can, and the words of other parents i read along my journey. thanks for sharing:)
This is true. And I am also thankful for the grace and love of God that reaches in to heal where we cannot. With my oldest it is a bit trickier because during his growing up we were in a very abusive situation that was extremely damaging to him. We are all better now, but that is where a good deal of the guilt comes from. Thanks so much for your thoughtful comment!
Emmie, this was beautiful. I’m a mom to a 23 year old now serving in the Navy and miss having him around so much. I could relate to everything you shared. I’m so glad to connect through Emily.
Hi Beth! Thanks so much for visiting me here. I enjoyed your blog too and related so much to your post about being good enough. I think I mentioned there that my husband just retired from the Navy, so I am quite familiar with the ins and outs of military family life! Blessings to you!